10 Reasons Why Friendliness Is A Leadership Necessity
In leadership, friendliness is not simply a nice personality trait but an essential requirement of great results.
By Brent Filson - 2006
We've heard it many times, "It's a dog eat dog world." The trouble is,
some leaders actually believe it. They conduct themselves like the
alpha dog in a pack, holding sway through intimidation. This
instinctive behavior helps insure survival in a dog world, but applied
to the human world of organizational dynamics, it can lead to disaster.
Alpha dog leadership can eventually turn out to be destructive to the
people, their organization, and the leaders themselves. To use another
common metaphor, "That dog won't hunt."
After all, leaders do nothing more important than get results; and the
best results are what I've been teaching for more than two decades,
"more results faster, continually." An alpha-dog leader might chew up
people to get more results and get them faster, but I submit that it
takes a far different personality trait to engender the "continually"
aspect of the imperative. That trait isn't the despot modeled by so
many leaders, it's ... well, friendliness.
Having a friendly attitude as a leader means eschewing the alpha-dog
way of leadership. It means being gentle, kind, helpful, and cordial
in your relationships, even in times of anger and stress -- ESPECIALLY
in times of anger and stress. Here are 10 reasons friendliness gets
far more results than an alpha-dog way.
(1) We stay in control. Apha-dog leaders seek to control others. But
they misconstrue what control really means. In truth, such leaders are
really out of control much of the time, since they're at the mercy of
their emotional outbursts and the reactions of others to those
outbursts. In leadership, the best way to control a situation, i.e.,
the best way to get great results, is to put the people in control.
Don't constrain them through short-term compulsion but liberate them by
playing the "longer game." Unleash their initiative and creativity by
allowing them to make free choices, and they will be under your
"control" in more profound and effective ways than the alpha-dog leader
could imagine.
(2) People respond more openly and positively to friendliness. Humans
seek happiness; and friendliness is a great way to spread happiness.
It enables you to communicate much more effectively because it bonds
you with others in ways that anger, coercion, intimidation can't. And
that bonding is the stuff that great results flow from.
(3) We are modeling good interactions, bringing the future into the
present. Whether leaders know it or not, their words and actions are
carefully watched by the people they lead. People have an instinctive
need to model those words and actions; or if they disagree with them,
speak and act in opposite ways. By radiating friendliness, leaders are
being the means that are the ends in the making.
(4) We make real issues relevant factors, not false issues like anger
and intimidation. Friendliness tends to clarify issues; intimidation,
because it is associated with fear, obfuscates them. So often
intimidating leaders make themselves and their tormenting ways the
issue. Whereas the real issues should be, how do we get results, how
do we get more results, how do we get faster results, and how do we get
"more, faster" continually? The fear they provoke is like crack
cocaine, temporarily stimulating but addictive and in the long run
destructive to the leader and the people.
(5) With friendliness, we set the agenda. "A good offense is the best
defense" applies with friendliness. You should be on the offense with
friendliness, displaying it even in challenging circumstances when it
may take an act of disciplined courage on your part. This helps you
set the agenda in terms of how people respond to one another in these
circumstances. Of course, your friendliness will not affect some people
who may be determined to subvert your leadership no matter what your
attitude is; however, friendliness can, like the clearing of
brush-lines to contain a forest fire, keep rancor from spreading deeply
into the organization.
(6) We increase the chance that others will support our cause. The
truth is that leaders can't motivate anybody to do anything. The people
make the choice to be motivated or not. Friendly leaders have the best
chance of creating an environment in which the people make that
choice. As Abraham Lincoln said, "If you would win a man to your
cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is
a drop of honey that catches his heart, which, say what he will, is the
great highroad to his reason, and which, once gained, you will find but
little trouble in convincing him of the justice of your cause, if
indeed that cause is really a good one."
(7) Our opponents can be put off balance. As a leader, you'll often
have people working against you, spoiling for a fight; and when they
encounter a friendly attitude on your part, they may be thrown off
balance in benignly effective ways. Furthermore, your friendliness can
encourage others to take up your cause against them.
(8) With friendliness everybody has an opportunity to win. Unfriendly
leaders often win battles but lose wars. They may compel others to get
on board; but if those others do so out of compulsion and not genuine
conviction and motivation, the fruits of any victories can become
ashes. Most people welcome friendliness -- even if they disagree with
and even dislike the leader. Furthermore, our friendliness can prompt
the people we interact with to reflect on their own character, a
prerequisite for their choosing to be motivated. In an environment of
friendliness, all parties have an opportunity to achieve something
positive.
(9)Friendliness is fire prevention equipment against your burning
bridges behind you. An opponent may seem to be your opponent today but
in the future you may need him to be your partner in implementing
changes. Friendliness gives us an opportunity to have productive
relationships even with those who oppose us, enriching both the present
and the future.
(10) Getting results through friendliness can take a lot less energy
than getting results through coercion and intimidation. Friendliness
isn't an absolute necessity in leadership. I've seen great leaders who
were terrific curmudgeons. It's just that unfriendly people have to go
through a lot more trouble getting people motivated.
Two caveats. One, friendliness can be mistaken for weakness. In fact,
friendliness can BE weakness if it manifests as a way of avoiding
challenging people to do the hard things to get great results. In
leadership, friendliness has a clear function which is to people
achieve constantly improving results. This entails your challenging
people to do what they often don't want to do. Anybody can be nice to
them and let them do what they want. But a leader must continually be
challenging people to struggle mightily for extraordinary results. If
friendliness doesn't help you fulfill that function then it's simply a
lifestyle choice, not a leadership tool, and ultimately in terms of
leadership, a weakness.
Two, even if you do use it as a strong leadership tool, you certainly
can't be friendly 100 percent of the time. If you try to be, you'll
find yourself becoming a rather one-dimensional leader. One of the
most difficult accomplishmen
2006© The Filson Leadership Group, Inc. All rights reserved.
The author of 23 books, Brent Filson's recent books are, THE LEADERSHIP TALK: THE GREATEST LEADERSHIP TOOL and 101 WAYS TO GIVE GREAT LEADERSHIP TALKS. He is founder and president of The Filson Leadership Group, Inc. – Celebrating 25 years of helping leaders of top companies worldwide achieve outstanding results every day. Sign up for his free leadership e-zine and get his FREE report "7 Steps To Leadership Mastery"